It’s epic update time.

 

 

And for something a little off-topic… way to go, Iowa and Vermont. :) D.C., don’t let me down.

So, I’m testing out this theory of mine that I can blog into an MS Word window but not an LJ one. I’m right so far.
 

I’ve really wanted to watch Lost in Translation lately so I think I might dig that out of my packed DVDs and books.  I have 8 days between me and the rest of my life.

 

I got verbal confirmation today that my job transfer went through and I'll be starting in Portland, OR on March 30th after a few weeks off as a semi-paid vacation with The Boy. So, that kinda sets us up nice with a big apartment (with an extra bedroom for our friends that may want to drop in) that's less than a mile from where César will probably be working. Oh, and there's a Korean restaurant down the street. And it's 3 miles from downtown Portland. And I get the love of my life within arms' reach. Perfect.
It's surreal to talk the details with him sometimes. It feels like just yesterday when I was wistfully dreaming of ways to see him again. I feel like each day in the last 10 months or so was spent dreaming up crazy schemes or trying to sneak in a quick phone call while at work or counting down the days until we could see each other. I literally paid over $1,000 in 6 months to Sprint for my ridiculously huge phone bills. Now, he and I are looking at furniture online and talking about bills. I know when we go to IKEA, we'll both linger in the childrens section and daydream, just a little, about what the future holds. In past years and with past partners, I never thought to allow myself to want conventional things like kids, a career, permanency and monogamy but I do now like crazy and I couldn't be happier. The ease of this move and its planning reinforce my belief that we're doing the right thing.

And in just six weeks, we'll be discovering a whole new part of the world together.

I'll be in Athens on March 14th-17th and if anyone wants to hang out for our last hurrah, let me or César know.

i've settled into a pattern of waiting these days that nothing can break. i wake up at the same time five days a week and follow a schedule that seems hard to shake despite it being entirely voluntary.  i keep mentally calculating how much money i need to save between now and mid-March and mostly i'm optimistic but sometimes i worry. i want a great life for us. i want to be comfortable. i want him.
there's a terrible loneliness that silently creeps about my life. it lies in wait in the most mundane tasks - sorting product at work, taking a deep drink of water, watching a movie, whispering into the phone. it's manageable because it's fleeting. it's dated. it can and will recede and after march, i'm confident that the part of my life spent without him will be overshadowed by the many years we spent laughing, loving, learning and living.
but it's hard in the meantime.
i know that i'm not the easiest person to love. i can change from gleeful to unsure within moments. i'm too sensitive. my insecurities are deafening. but i'm willing to compromise and set my ego aside because i've never held the promise of anything so wonderful. despite the ridiculousness of my life over the past few months, he still finds a way to adore me and i him. it's pretty awesome, actually.
and prop 8 supportors be damned, we're getting married. for now, i'm going to stop reading any opinion articles on what gains the movement has made because they only make me cry. it's going to happen. it's only a matter of time and i'm younger and happier than most of those bible thumpers anyway.

waiting. wanting.

my mom left the country today after leaving me a brief voicemail stating that it would be nice if we kept in contact through email. or if i went to visit her someday.

i keep telling myself that guys don't cry but i can't stop sobbing.

i'm sitting on my couch ridiculously full after eating a huge meal of korean food. fish cake soup. rice. two different kinds of kimchi. kimbap. i'm trying hard to forget how embarrassing it was ordering the food. i picked up the menu in the korean store i usually go to and realized that i didn't recognize anything on the menu except 'ramyeon' which is korean style ramen and kimchi chigae, a super spicy kimchi soup that my hungover stomach couldn't take. i picked out 'fish cake soup' and the three men working at the store asked me, in korean, if i wanted that. i tried to explain that i didn't speak it, couldn't read it but that i wanted it (even if i'd never had it). they tried to explain to me what a fish cake is (as if i don't love them) and that the broth was kinda like udon broth. all of which sounded fantastic. i apologized again for not speaking korean and tried to explain that i know food by how they look because my mom used to cook it for me which prompted one man to suggest that maybe i should just call my mom next time.

sigh.

everyone was looking at me. 

i'd like to think that i have a pretty good handle on several languages and with the romance languages, i can sound out words. i can't read hangul, though, and there's no way i can even start to sound those characters out. i hate that i'm obviously half white when i'm in places like that.

anyway. i intend on learning when i get to portland. that way, i can mix up my spanish, french and korean.

hawt.

please, please, please don't delay or ruin my flight to georgia on thursday. i don't care if you delay my return, but for chrissakes, don't fuck this up for me. i need this more than you, a severe weather system of intense thunderstorms surrounding a creepy low pressure area, could possible know.

I've been trying to figure out how to write this without sounding like the gayest bastard ever and I don't think it's possible. So, I'm going to just say it and be done with it.

I'm ridiculously in love.

He and I are counting down the 17 days until my plane lands and from the old countdown on my phone, I know that it's been about 60 days since I saw him last. The distance hurts. It really does. I had promised myself years back that I wasn't going to manage distance again but then, one of the greatest things to ever happen to me walked into my life and I have no intention of letting him walk back out.

Yes, I'm kinda sappy about it and no, I don't care.

I want to start over. I want to be a good person for this love of my life that deserves all of the best that I have to give. I intentionally place my trust in the cosmos and wholeheartedly believe that if I make an effort, things will all work out. Everything will be fine. If I trust my intuition and live compassionately, then I'm unstoppable. And this, the relationship, the move to Portland, all of it feels inherently right. I've never felt so sure of anything in my life.

Here's to planning on starting over and doing it right.

Alright, everyone. Listen up...

I am now adding my DAD to my facebook. Please no comments on my wall about anal fisting or whore loving or anything of that nature. Because so help me god if I have to maintain awkward silences with the man who raised me...

oh god help us all.

new sweaters have hit all of my favorite fag stores: banana republic, express and gap.

...the humanity...

 for my 25th birthday (sept. 8th), i'm gonna be in athens for a little over a week. 

mmhmm.


sure am.

i'm leaving in about 4 hours to the coast for some good ol' hurricane relief. who knows... i might even get to (partially) see my first hurricane. i don't know when i'm coming back. maybe a few days. maybe a week. i won't have my laptop but i -will- have my phone. 

exes and ohs.

so, i've never been as open with a person as i have been in the last four months. i think that i had assumed that i didn't have strong emotions other than hurt or anger and i was pretty sure that i didn't have any strong opinions about anything anymore... or if i did, that i wasn't able to concisely articulate them. in my last relationship, i spent over three years making dumb jokes and smiling but never really communicating. we lived together but we didn't know each other in any way but the biblical sense. i had grown accustomed to feeling as if i was the only person who could appreciate or listen to my thoughts and after awhile, even i got tired of that. but now, i'm realizing that i had these feelings and opinions all along and they're resurfacing. i like alot of them and others bother me. i'm working through them with patience and support. 

i think what i'm trying to say is that it's nice and i'm enjoying it.

i've been having nightmares lately which i attribute solely to falling asleep sober. this morning, i dreamt of fascist dystopias and trying, in vain, to run a resistance. helicopters would fly overhead and i would hide under the eaves of houses. it was my neighborhood, which might be the first time i've dreamt of another house but my childhood one, and i was trying to get rid of blacklight fluorescent bulbs which were banned by the government. i held them while my dad carried the non-blacklight (and non-banned) bulbs. the police saw me, i threw them ahead of me in an attempt to smash the evidence but they wouldn't break. 
"Are these yours?" the officer sneered. 
"No," I whispered before I saw the futility of lying. "...yes... I just wanted to throw them away. I was so close." He nodded with pseudo-sympathy before the beating began. I tried to force myself awake while he shattered my teeth but I couldn't. Instead, I had to try to change the course of the dream, and I did a little until I was driving away in search of resistance camps. I'm tired of dreaming this way.

I'm lonely.

(i'll be in italics)*

So, are you going to get the Rumor? 
I dunno, dude. I wanted to but I don't have the cash. All of my extra has been going to my ridiculous phone bill.
Oh, right. Because of your girlfriend.
Boyfriend.
Right. Sorry. Is that weird to say? I guess not. I mean, you used to ride the pogo stick when you were younger.
It isn't weird. But it isn't hetero. It never was. It's faggish.
Oh. So. Are you going to be a dude now?
I don't think so. I don't know. Maybe?
(pause)
Okay.
I just, I don't want to be either end of the spectrum. I'm not either/or. I hate the shitty looks that I get in the women's restroom. And I hate it when I get treated like I'm a girl. I want to exist outside of gender. 
But you're a fag?
Yes.
Alright, yo.

and that's how i summed up, very quickly, all of my battles with gender to someone who has always just seen me as a dyke which means that i've finally said it. to my friends. that gender is up in the air right now and i'm okay with that. it's finally acceptable to say "i don't know" and mean it.

* if you're family or a friend since childhood...                       




surprise.

 

i've been blissfully flying under the radar on facebook. it's really only been family and my athens crew (holla!) but then came a guy i used to work with... and that was okay. i was a little worried what he would think when he saw my SGO but whatever. if he couldn't tell by working with me for 5 years that i'm not a typical lesbian... well. but today, i had a friend request from a girl i used to go to school with in OK. we were once really good friends from 5th-8th grade, which is when things all changed for me. i have no problem friending people on myspace if i know them because i feel that my myspace is a continuation of whatever they used to see. yes, i can call myself gay now but that really isn't too shocking. i looked through this girl's profile, which was bare, and then through her friends and i started to mentally tally the number of requests i'd be getting once i autho'd her. so many people that i used to know in another lifetime. it's a hard decision to make, really, because i know that once she sees it, all the other girls i used to know will see it. they'll wonder if there was any sort of giveaway to me being anything other than a perfectly normal, hetero girl and i'm sure they'll wonder about all those times we had to dress and get undressed in front of each other for athletics. and deep down, they'll wonder if i ever checked them out. the funny part is that i never did. i was always so afraid that someone would notice that something was amiss with me and that would be that. 

so. now. i have this reminder of a much more pained me that took place in a much more stressful time and i shouldn't be bothered by this but i am.

alot.